It’s been a year since my last post and at a glance, it might feel like nothing much has changed, except a lot of things actually have been changing.
A few months back, amidst journaling after learning about emotional signposts, I learned that I am a person who cherishes growth. Hence, the constant boredom and the need to outgrow a certain milestone every other quarter.
Now looking back at exactly a year, I can’t resist the urge to wonder, am I making any progress? What area of my life has been growing?
Within a year I think my proudest breakthrough is discovering the awareness of my ego, and trying to make peace with a lot of things outside my control by letting go of my ego. I know I don’t always like the people I love unconditionally, but I have been improving my relationship quality with them by not letting my ego take the better of me. It’s been my longest break from a dating app, as I no longer feel the need to be in a relationship for the sake of self-fulfillment. I stopped taking personally of other people’s actions, hence I’ve been the most zen than I’ve ever been, regardless of many triggers that used to upset me easily.
A while ago I came back to a place that left a mark on me and provoked a lot of self-analysis.
I reunited with the man who made me feel a lot of feelings I’ve never felt, despite our brief encounter a little over a year ago and him already in a long time relationship.
I wrote my previous post last year, hoping for my attraction to him evaporate. I kept reminding myself it was too brief of a meeting, I didn’t know him enough for me to be sure that I’m falling for another person, genuinely and wholeheartedly.
It appeared since the last time I wrote, our relationship has grown into a sort of friendship. I’m not sure if he feels the same way, but to me, It’s been a little like passing notes in secrecy and each exchange has been meaningful to me.
My self-control was saying, maybe my attraction was out of boredom. Maybe it was a nice distraction. Maybe it was a quick lesson for me to understand that attraction beyond intention is possible. Maybe if I wait for a while, I will forget about him eventually. Maybe if I see him again, I would learn that it’s the idea of him that I keep longing for.
A certain part of me was afraid, what if he doesn’t live my idea of him and my feelings were actually a product of my trait as a hopeless romantic?
A certain part of me was nervous, what if I do actually like him for who he is, and greed takes the better of me? Just the visualization of my greed –him breaking up and the wish for our feelings to be mutual– overwhelmingly scares me. I don’t want to keep on hoping for someone who’s already in a relationship, let alone hurting another person and taking something that isn’t mine.
I wanted to get to know him better so the universe gave me the chance.
There was nothing flirty like my banters with any guy in my previous phase of life. But I like who I am when I was with him. I figured that he’s shown different parts of himself I hadn’t met last year, and I showed him some parts of me that I didn’t show to just anyone but my closest ones.
I secretly was hoping I didn’t like him as much so I could move on, but It turned out I’m falling for him even harder.
I really have no idea whether we share the same attraction. I learn that he’s still in a relationship with his girl, but I also learn that I genuinely like him. I can’t find the word in English, but in Bahasa, I would call it jatuh hati. A little more intense than a mere attraction, but not quite head over heels. Maybe what Raisa sang is true, that love has many forms. Heck, whatever form this love I have for him might be, it is enough for me to feel the need to curate a whole playlist about this particular emotion.
Maybe he really is interested in me, but not quite like what he feels for his girlfriend.
Maybe I’m just an enthusiastic guest, who shares a few common interests with him.
Maybe he enjoyed talking to me, and nothing more.
Maybe it was all me who kept adding meaning to every insignificant message we exchanged because I love to be in love, regardless of the longing and the absence of mutual attraction.
Regardless of any feeling he has or has not for me, I thank God that our paths have crossed.
I thank God for all the personal milestones I’ve discovered while learning about my feelings for him.
I thank God that I have the capacity to love someone genuinely.
I have been in a lot of unrequited love, though later I started to understand that most of them might have been the byproducts of my ego, immaturity, and impulsivity. But none has ever felt this right. For the first time, I don’t care if it’s not mutual. For the first time, I can love bravely, honestly, and genuinely wish someone to be happy.
It’s been a year and I like him way more than my initial attraction.
It’s been a year and these feelings are one of my proudest personal milestones.
Honestly, it’s really not easy to surrender to the course of life, but I really do believe that everything will make sense in its own timing.
Maybe now is the time to learn to love someone. Maybe later is the time for someone to come and love me as much.
Just like what Matt Simons sang,
So let it wash over me
I’m ready to lose my feet
Take me off to the place where one reveals life’s mystery
Steady on down the line
Lose every sense of time
Take it all in and wake up that small part of me
Day to day I’m blind to see
And find how far to go
Everybody got their reason
Everybody got their way
We’re just catching and releasing
What builds up throughout the day
It gets into your body
It flows right through your blood
We can tell each other secrets
And remember how to love~
Maybe if I write down these feelings, I will soon release these emotions I have caught.
